smorgas_of_borg's blog

binge thinking

 abuse

I haven’t updated my profile in some time. So, presented here for your dining and dancing pleasure are more items from the randomness of thought and input that get stuck in my head to create what is known as the “Smorg Effect”.

Neurological Flatulence II 

Some folks don’t realize that there are some angels out there whose only job is to make sure you don’t get too comfortable and fall asleep and miss your life.

A verse from the bible that you never hear from the pulpit: Old Testament, Ezekiel 23:20 – “There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses.” (NIV)  They don’t call it the ‘good book’ for nothing.

Cats were worshipped as gods in ancient Egypt.  Cats have never forgotten this.

  I wish restaurants would put up signs like the one I saw at a hole-in-the-wall restaurant in Chicago: “Please, no cell phones or pagers in the dining area. If you are that important, maybe you should be dining in a more upscale establishment.” 

I’ve been married twice before.  One thing I noticed about both of my ex-wives is that they changed their names to exactly the same one:  “Plaintiff”

I have a 12-string acoustic guitar that I play around with.  I have discovered that 12-string guitar players spend half of their time tuning up, and the other half playing out of tune.

“Amazing Grace” can be sung perfectly to the tune of the theme from “Gilligan’s Island”

In the 1970’s, I was beginning to think that Yassir Arafat and Ringo Starr were the same person, judging from their photos.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.

Height is irrelevant in the horizontal.

“A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won’t get a bikini wax.” – Rita Rudner.

The greater the number of people in an internet chat room, the lower the room’s average IQ.

My favorite computer term:  PEBCAK = Problem Exists Between Chair And Keyboard

I’ve found that quitting smoking is very stressful. And when I’m stressed, I smoke.

To those who want us to return to the America of the 1950s, please keep this in mind:  The direct result of the 1950’s was the 1960’s.

Eve was framed.

Only in America would we feature a one-legged woman in a televised dance competition.  I’m waiting for a vocalist on American Idol with a tracheotomy.

It only takes one drink to get me drunk. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the fourteenth or the fifteenth.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, one does not have to attend meetings to qualify as an alcoholic.

Possibly the stupidest city ordinance on earth is the one in London, England, which requires that all churches (since they are ‘public gathering places’) must post “No Smoking’ signs.  Because, you know, there’s nothing worse than having a wonderful worship experience distracted by all those smokers in the pews.

I’m not very smart, but I can lift heavy things.

They say you should follow your dreams. But, what if your dreams are nightmares?

I’ve discovered that I am not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.

The problem isn’t that there are too many fools on Earth. The problem is that lightning bolts are improperly distributed.

Childhood may be brief but immaturity can last a lifetime. 

Sometimes the appropriate response to reality is to go insane.  

Life is a b*tch, and then it has puppies.  

It could be that the purpose of one’s life is only to serve as a warning to others.  

There's a difference between being detained involuntarily for psychological treatment and being forced to endure Dr. Phil involuntarily.  

I sometimes wonder if some of the people that I meet are the side effect of my medication.  

I believe that you only need two things to make life work for you. WD-40 to make things go, and duct tape to make it stop.  

Humvee =  $50,000 penis extension  

“There is no vehicle so large that you cannot be dragged from it and beaten” – Tim Mitchell  

And a final thought for this installment:  

"The humble are not aware of their good deeds; they are aware of their glaring weaknesses" - Father Wilburforce Mundia